


Ashes To Ashes

by hoseokandyoongi



Category: Avengers: Infinity War - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Post Infinity War, actually its really sad, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 04:37:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14488968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoseokandyoongi/pseuds/hoseokandyoongi
Summary: It still felt warm. Of all things that you could feel from the ash was the warmth that someone was there. Steve couldn’t understand why he could still feel the warmth of life in the ashes of his lover. He placed his hand on Bucky’s ashes, once a living angel to Steve, now a non-existent martyr.





	Ashes To Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Let me start off by saying SPOILER WARNING for people haven't see Infinity War. Also, this is my first Marvel fic (oneshot) and I'm uber proud of it but I also would love constructive criticism because people can only improve.

It still felt warm. Of all things that you could feel from the ash was the warmth that someone was there. Steve couldn’t understand why he could still feel the warmth of life in the ashes of his lover. He placed his hand on Bucky’s ashes, once a living angel to Steve, now a non-existent martyr.

It hurts.

Rhodey appears in the distance, still calling Sam’s name when he finds his Captain staring at a dark spot on the ground. “Cap? What’s wrong? Have you seen Sam?” A hush falls before them, a small gust of wind that picks up a few of the pieces of dirt Steve seems to be staring at. The only movement Rhodey sees from Steve is his eyes.

“He called for me,” Steve mutters incredulously, “he called for me because he believed I could help him.”

“Rogers, you aren’t making any sense. Who called for you?”

“He looked so put together,” Steve chuckles at the irony, “and then he called for me and I didn’t even get to hold him!” Its hysterical now, the laughter. It pains Rhodey to see this man, this captain, laugh with so much pain embedded in his eyes. Rhodey now sees that whatever happened, it must have to do with the specks of ash in Steve’s palm.

He’s crying now with howls of laughter, nothing pretty about it. “He just fell apart! He said my name, called for me, waiting for me to move towards him and I just watched!” The laughter dies by then and then a panicked look spreads across Steve’s face. Rhodey astonishingly witnesses a frantic Steve gathering up the dark specks with such ferocity, tears falling.

“Is that–“ he cuts himself off for his own sake, and mostly because Steve is on the verge of collapsing. Steve starts convulsing now, a sight Rhodey would never expect to see especially from a man so put together as Steve Rogers. “Hey calm down, can you explain to me what happened? Steve? Ste–“ There’s a long cry while Rhodey is talking.

“He just– he just turned to ash. Right in front if me! I had just got him back!” Scooping up the ashes that slowly sift through his fingers, he continues mumbling _I love you_ ’s to what was once the love of his life. Steve clutches onto nothing, imagining at least a body in his now limp arms. Rhodey watches the unraveling taking place as he puts his arms on Steve and attempts to pull him away. “No! We can’t leave him behind! I’ve left him before and I can’t leave him again!” The silent crying and the end of the struggling is what makes Rhodey release Steve. “I’ve lost him before and I thought it was real but then he came back to me… But now– now–“ More tears fall as the First Avenger shakes violently. “I can’t leave him. Not again.”

Steve still hasn’t forgiven himself for not searching for Bucky after he fell off the train. That’s something he constantly apologized for when he visited Wakanda. It was also something he apologized for when they spent nights alone. They loved each other so much but Steve was convinced that Bucky was angry at him, angry at him for leaving. Angry at him for leaving him to Hydra. It wasn’t true, Bucky knew Steve would’ve saved him if he knew but Steve could only blame himself. Now Steve had a reason to blame himself. Because this time he didn’t save Bucky. He didn’t even try.

Rhodey left earlier for a vase somewhere in the streets of Wakanda More mourning faces flooded the city after Okoye spread word of T’Challa’s passing and even more sorrow is seen in the people who also witnessed their loved ones disintegrate right before their eyes. When he found a vase, Rhodey advised others to find vases for themselves and their loved ones. _This can’t be happening_ , Rhodey thought to himself, _this just…_

Only a few minutes later does Steve hear the footfalls of Rhodey’s iron boots. He doesn’t look up until Rhodey sits next to him handing him a vase. Steve instantly knew what Rhodey was insinuating and after wiping away the most recent tears, he scrapes up the ash at his feet. Rhodey helps him finish putting what Steve hopes is Bucky. Rhodey watches Cap stand, finally, slumped over in silence, squeezing the vase with as much strength and gentleness as if it was Bucky’s body.

“Cap, where’s Nat? Is she okay?”

Steve wanted a hug from someone. Rhodey was right there to hold him but he knew they had a task at hand. He knew they were supposed to be professional but it didn’t keep him from internally screaming for a hug. “She’s fine. She’s okay. She’s probably doing some damage control,” Steve says, taking huge, shaky breaths in between words. It pains Rhodey to see Steve like this. “We should look for Sam now, though. Continue your search.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” Steve left Bucky behind in the mountains before and Bucky suffered immensely from Steve’s mistake. A mistake that Steve wants to make sure never happens again so he wasn’t about to leave Sam too.

They both stand then.Steve, with his arms occupied with the remains of his soulmate, gets up slower than Rhodey.Rhodey waits for Steve to move first before he realizes that the Captain wasn’t there anymore. The Captain hasn’t truly been there since Bucky stayed in Wakanda for help, its only been Steven Grant Rogers.The man who fell for Bucky, who loved Bucky.Who loves Bucky.

Steve lightly taps his fingers on the vase in his arms asthey look for Sam, calling his name. _I won’t leave anyone behind this time_ , Steve thinks to himself. _I can’t take this anymore._ _I can’t take losing Sam too, Buck_.

 

*

 

It took five hours of searching the outskirts of Wakandafor Rhodey and Steve to finally admit that Sam most likely suffered the same fate as Bucky.By then, they even came to the conclusion that Sam was almost one-hundred percent alone. Steve doesn’t cry over this, his tears ran out a long time ago, but Rhodey does.Just a little.Rhodey felt guilty about the events surrounding the Accordsand even guiltier knowing that what Tony accidentally did to Rhodey was the fate Tony purposely meant for Sam.

After realizing this truth, Rhodey and Steve try to find a type of hotel in Wakanda to rest. They are both exhausted and when they finally reach a hotel, they are flooded with distressed people.All persons who have lost someone recognize the heroes almost instantly and want answers. It’s only a matter of time before the stress that has lingered on both Steve and Rhodey’s shoulders would break them completely so before that time could come, Steve steps up to speak.He finds the front desk and for the first time he sets the vase down, using his arms to lift himself onto the counter.

“Attention citizens of Wakanda,” this time, it is Captain America who is speaking, “we know as much as you do and can unfortunately be of no help yet.We are here, though, to reassess our plans and thoughts but I will say this: if you have lost someone recently, the Avengers sends their deepest sentiments and we will have plans to fix this or something...” Steve had been staring at the vase next to him on the counter at the last line.The small speech sounded so inconsiderate to him, so artificial, and everyone knew it.But it was something.And right now a lot of people didn’t have anything.

Steve picked up the vase and got off the counter, grabbing his and Rhodey’s room key and then walking away from a briefly sated crowd.Neither of them talk until they make it to the room.

“Listen, Rogers, I never said how sorry I am.I know Bucky meant a lot to you–“ Steve interrupts him with a small chuckle.

“Yes, he meant a lot to me, Rhodey.Actually he meant everything to me! I held him at night when he would wake up screaming.The trauma he suffered in Hydra wasn’t even close to being cured no matter how soothing Wakanda was for him.Every night he was in pain so I had to hold him.I had to hold him every night knowing that no matter how much I loved him and no matter how much he loved me, he would never be okay.” The topic was mostly derailed at this point, something Rhodey noticed almost immediately but he had to let him vent some more.“There is no one that means more to me than him.Even now that he’s–“

“We don’t know what happened for sure.”

“Are you serious?”

“I mean we don’t truly know what Thanos did.Maybe this isn’t something we can’t fix.”

They finally enter the room separate to the different beds.Steve reaches for the television remote to find out what more damage has taken place but this action is cut short.“You shouldn’t stress this much, Cap.You are hurt and need some time to yourself before you come up with the those ‘reassessed plans’ you mentioned,” Rhodey adds with a humorous tone, attempting to slice through the tension inside their room.Its no use despite his hopes.

Ignoring Rhodey’s reasoning, Steve sets his vase down on the night stand and lies down on his bed, back facing his roommate, Rhodey mirrors the same action.The tension is still in the air and crying from other rooms are heard through the paper thin walls of their hotel room.Its unsettling to say the least, but they are able to fall asleep.Somehow.

 

*

 

Steve wakes up in the middle of the night in a sweat.The image of the love of his life falling to pieces replays in his mind.Bucky was always falling apart, really, but Steve was always there to put him back together. Unfortunately, though, times change.

Steve turns around and carefully grabs the vase Rhodey kindly got him. "Hi Buck," he whispers, "I don't know if you are gone for good or if maybe you can hear me but I wanted to tell you goodnight.I forgot to tell you before I fell asleep like I always do so I'm sorry.I'm so sorry." It wasn't the forgotten goodnight that he is apologizing for anymore.

Shakily, Steve continued, "I hope that wherever you are, you are far away from your fears.Far away from the torture.Mostly I hope that, if you are gone, its some place better than our home in Brooklyn." Steve is staring at the vase now.He realizes the vase is a light blue color, almost a celeste blue.The blue of Bucky's eyes.Which hurts Steve so much.

 

_I love you._

 

With shaky hands, Steve opens the vase and places his hand inside.He starts to feel the ash which he knows its strange but this was the only way he could touch Bucky, the only way to hold him.Steve realizes something about what he feels. The ash isn't warm anymore but cold now. No warmth anymore.No life anymore.

 

It hurts.


End file.
